Jeff Calhoun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cacophonish) wrote2022-05-31 04:48 am
cacophonish) wrote2022-05-31 04:48 am
Entry tags:
COME SAIL AWAY: IC INBOX
away message
â
cease to resist
giving my goodbye
drive my car into the ocean
youll think im dead
but i sail away
on a wave of mutilation đđđ
brb dudes âī¸ im either checking out the boat or i got lost in tommy bahama again âšī¸ LEAVE A MESSAGE... text âĻ voice âĻ video âĻ action
giving my goodbye
drive my car into the ocean
youll think im dead
but i sail away
on a wave of mutilation đđđ
brb dudes âī¸ im either checking out the boat or i got lost in tommy bahama again âšī¸ LEAVE A MESSAGE... text âĻ voice âĻ video âĻ action
no subject
Normally, he'd just default to his go-to: red light. But, like, that's for fucking and kinky shit, so it'd probably be weird to, uh, reuse it for conversation, so... ]
Okay, um. [ Let's see... ] Godzilla.
[ Easy to remember, because all he has to do is think about his feelings getting stepped on by a giant monster! ]
cw: human sacrifice
[You don't understand.]
[He desperately wants to be Godzilla.]
[So. fucking. much.]
[If he could be anything in the universe....]
[Okay he's okay.]
Hai.
[... He wants to be Godzilla... He will be able to respect it, but saying it himself he's just going to get flustered and hide behind his hands/fan. EVERY TIME.]
You were wrong, though. You don't get to say, actually you do understand me... and then still misunderstand me.
[He doesn't expect to be understood, but does he want to be? Desperately.]
I would never patronize Skulduggery. He's not a victim. He's still less of a murderer than I was, [His ice cold eyes glance away. He'll come back that point.] but he's obviously powerful. I have worked for decades disproving magic and charlatans and superstitions. Including human sacrifice. But I never thought of you as a mob. At all. I didn't even know anyone would think that of me.
That was why I said it. Because everyone loves Skulduggery. And it's stupid to sacrifice him for what... rules? Absurd. Break the rules, make new ones. I wanted everyone to see you don't have to accept the inevitable. You can fight it. You can do the impossible, just because that's what you want.
And lastly...
I guess get ready to make a sacrifice of me every other damn month starting now. Because I said I'm worse. At least Skulduggery has a new name. Isn't the same person. I'm not changed. I'm still the Demon King of 6th Heaven. So if the rules don't change, then I'm endangering all of you.
As a gunblade, with Yato, we weren't trying to hurt the Captain. Yato can sever things like the bindings of fate. I was weak. I was scared of making Klaus cry. [>:|] It's moot now. Even though I lived, they're still crying. Damned either way, isn't it? My fear was dangerous to the rest of the room, so Yato made me turn back. Because we didn't want anyone to die. Nothing you or anyone can say will change my mind on that.
The only thing you can say I might be patronizing Skulduggery about is...
[Furrowed brow.] Like I told -- my ex. [He said the name already, about making them cry, but it's different now.] When I'm at my worst... [Just looks up at the ceiling. Nope. Can't do it. He has to try. But it's one thing to tell Klaus, another to tell literally anyone else, and now after, Klaus left him???] I cannot ask for help. I have to be helped, even though I might refuse it in my state. And if my cursed blade, because of the magical energies of this place, that created the Bahamanal, and so on, gained sentience and started making everyone Demon Kings, obsessed with conquering each other; based specifically on those I learned to trust, because I never trusted since my brother's betrayal... [Lump in throat. So icy heart. He can do this. Just stay detached.] I would certainly tell everyone to execute me and cease the torment.
I asked Skulduggery before. To reach out to me. He said he was relying on the Captain's plan. I asked him if the Captain's plan without me and Yato and Valdis interfering, trying it our way, went off like he planned, would it make him happy? The Captain. Not because I give a damn how the Captain feels. But I do care about Skulduggery. He couldn't answer me. So I think that's a pretty obvious no. My failure was to think Valdis would work with me, not against me, not think I was risking my death as a gunblade. She didn't know. That's on me, not her. But even so, that doesn't mean I could give up if there was anything left to try to spare them both the pain of that. It's what I'd want for me.
I've had more names than Skulduggery, though he's lived a lot longer -- from nearly my century though. Kipposhi is the one the Captain used. I hadn't heard that since I was... five? Since before my first battle. Names are important. As Yato's gunblade, I am Mizune. [His right hand goes to the back of his left shoulder where that mark is.] So my hope, was that people would understand. If no one wants to punish Skulduggery, if no one wants to sacrifice a whole person for the actions of a rogue weapon, if no one except Skulduggery in his guilt and anguish, and the Captain: in his belief that he already did everything to fight the rules already -- everything except ask the rest of us to find a way out, because maybe Skulduggery wouldn't want us facing the consequences of that, and it'd add more guilt, then no one has to. You don't have to vote to sacrifice [He nearly spits the word, and just takes a calming sip of tea!] a life. If that's not what you want? Don't do it. Instead, do anything to find another way. Try anything, no matter how impossible. What's the worst that will happen? The rules police will come enforce the rules? Good. I have questions for them.
[Looks up at the ceiling again.] I'm sure my ex would say I don't understand anything again.
And maybe I don't.
But I didn't lead Yato. He's just the same damn way as me. That's why I wanted to help him, even though I've assumed I'm gods' enemy since I was possessed. At least he gets it.
I don't mind you guessing at my head, thinking you get it, even if you're wrong. But don't ever think my thoughts aren't oceans deep. The weather is obvious for anyone to see. [Like how he's frozen now. All the rage continuously turned to ice.] But there are depths I haven't even explored the totality of. So if you want to dive in, make sure you're ready to take wrong guesses. The trick is you have to know what happens even if you're wrong. And account for it. And I did that with the trial. All of it. Every single step. Even asking Teyrey to help, knowing the whole room might hate her for it. And I still call it worth it, even though it nearly broke her.
You held up really well though. I'd have been all over the place if Klaus was --
[Glances up at the ceiling. He doesn't regret loving Klaus. He just doesn't know what he did wrong still. Maybe it doesn't matter. Anyone who couldn't fight the impossible with him was in too much danger. Just like Oichi all over. Better now than even later when he came to truly truly rely on Klaus and make moves that couldn't make up for the loss.] Well. You know.
You've gotten a lot stronger over the last few months. So I'm going to ask, not if the vote was worth it, or if you thought it was right. But are you happy about it?
no subject
But he is trying, right now, because he does value Nobunaga, and he believes in his heart, even if he doesn't agree with how things went down back there.
He's quiet for a few moments, hands wrapped around the mocha. It's nice to hear, at least, that Nobunaga thinks he showed some strength back there. Jeff sure as fuck doesn't feel strong. ]
I'm not happy about any of it. [ But it's kind of a moot question. The only way Jeff would've been happy about anything to do with that scenario is if nobody died and it didn't happen in the first place. ] And honestly? I think you were being a fucking asshole back there. I mean, you say I don't understand you, but it's not like you understand me, either.
[ Because there's a lot Jeff doesn't share about himself. ]
So I'm gonna tell you what I saw that day. I saw you acting like anyone who didn't agree with you was just a bunch of superstitious fucking... sheep who were just going along with the Captain, like we were weak and stupid and blindly following a bunch of dumb made-up rules. Like we didn't each have our own reasons for voting how we did? I heard you calling everyone weak and saying you were gonna cut anyone off who didn't agree with you! Even now you're talking about stuff that's not even-- it's not what this is about. It's not about human sacrifices and magic armor and cursed swords and who killed how many people-- so fuck that. You know what my biggest problem is with all of this? Even more than you acting like-- like anyone who wouldn't go along with you was just fucking weak and disposable? [ I mean, if you want to talk about throwing people away, that ultimatum was pretty clear to Jeff. (Who, admittedly, is probably misremembering it.) ] Which-- by the way-- was really fucking shitty and hurtful--
[ Take a breath. Calm down. He's not mad anymore, but he's.. It's so hard not to get heated when he wants to articulate his feelings, but can't quite find the right words. Jeff takes a sip of mocha. ]
It's-- this was about one person-- skeleton-- whatever, it was about his situation. His, not yours. His voice mattered, too, and his agency, and the way you were talking and acting that day, I didn't see any... any respect or-- or acknowledgment of that.
[ Jeff frowns, chews on his lip for a moment, and when he speaks again, his voice is softer, smaller. Vulnerable, instead of heated. ]
Bash killed me, back on Halloween. Did you know that?
no subject
[Nobunaga's stoic through the words, no longer the happy-go-lucky chuuni whose every thought is on his face. Not anymore.]
Actually, it was never about Skulduggery, and that is my entire point. He lost the right to make it about him and choose his course. So it became about everyone else, especially including you: those closest to those who died. Making it about Skulduggery is to continue to allow Lord Vile undue influence in his life, which according to Skulduggery's own words, was why Lord Vile chose those targets. It is saying you cannot move forward, everything you've ever done can fuck over your future. In fact, you have no future, you're bound to the past.
[He glances down, drunks some tea, can't nod -- so just.] I assumed so. I forced Klaus' hand. I gave him my sword and gun. He sang Bootylicious to the ghost possessing me, and struck me down. It was so magnificent, I wanted to keep the picture framed, but I knew it'd upset him, so I didn't.
[Maybe he was always dancing around Klaus' feelings, but it wasnt for Klaus' sake, it was for Nobunaga's own.]
[Did you know I liked the stupid ghost inside you I still wanted to be amicable? Even though he killed my first best friend??? The first person to tell me they love me? And yet, I admired his desire to live, to exist, to not go back to the void, so much I blasphemed against myself. I prayed. It's not enough to free all of us. It's not enough to free the ghosts. I have to free the Captain too. And I don't mean via death. I'm sick of death.]
[Back up to the ceiling.] I do understand, Jeff. But Skulduggery wasn't possessed.
If it was me. [His voice gets dark and hoarse, all demon king and death metal.] Whether Klaus did something, or I did, it is not enough to simply show what was done. You try every last thing.
Anyone who can't at least try... [A small feral snarl in spite of himself, there's only so much the ice takes away the rage. It's just that the rage is bitter cold instead. Cutting everyone out.] to do something, anything in your own way, to at least challenge the way things are, the things you do not want cannot stay by my side.
This is what it means to know me. Prove me wrong, but not by going along with a sacrifice that hurts you. Try anything else. I cannot know someone who doesn't do at least that much.
This is my absolute lowest bar. I cannot understand why you Americans, oftimes more like me than anyone I've ever known, cannot surpass it!
What is the value or miscommunication for you? What is it you heard in that, which made you decide I was in the wrong? Me, your friend?! [A hard huff and even harder glance away. All his emotions are bubbling over. Both Crichton and Klaus. The two bravest strongest idiots he'd ever known, who always taught Nobunaga to be brave, and yet...? The first person to ever declare their love for him, and Nobunaga for them. And it always ends like this doesnt it. In incredible anguish and devastation. True salvation cannot come from gods. But thats fine. He'll just be the Demon King.]
[Klaus promised to always love him, but not enough to literally stand there and talk it out when Nobunaga couldn't move. Whatever. Yup, he does consider that too horrifically wealth to be his friend.]
[Quietly, frosty again, he feels like his tea will freeze in his grip!] You never have to agree with me. You just have to correct my sights, show me why you think I'm wrong. Help me get stronger. There is not even the most -- distant salesperson I would not demand this much of. I certainly expected a lot better when I'm told constantly I'm trusted, or allowed friends. This seems to fly in the face of it.
Tell me what you heard.
no subject
[ He sighs a little, the smile fading. ]
Which I guess is the problem, huh? Maybe I wasn't really listening to you back there, because... What I heard was you saying if we didn't go along with your plan, then we were weak and you'd cut us out, and that fucking hurt. How d'you think that feels, hearing someone whose friendship you fucking cherish, say something like that?
What I heard was... a friend throwing me away, and I know you're not like that, but that's what it sounded like back there.
[ He's not sure how, exactly, to put what he means into words, not without launching the two of them into a circular argument of talking past each other, about human sacrifices and superstition, which he's just. Not up for. Not right now. ]
And... The way I saw it, it was about magic, too. Like-- like a spell for his, you know, his own unique situation, not about dooming anyone with a dark past. [ Jeff fidgets a little, nervous, because he doesn't know if he can ever really convey the particularities of magic, as he's known it his entire life. ] Where I'm from, um... back home? There aren't any catch-all rituals or... universal applications of magic of any kind. Nobody else can make fire the way I can, or move things, or... [ He's not making sense, he knows it. Jeff frowns to himself. ] All magic's unique, that's what I'm trying to say. So if Skuldude believed that this is what was necessary to actually, really shed that piece of him and move on, and keep others from dying? Then I've got no reason to believe he's wrong.
[ Jeff looks down at his drink. ]
So like, I know I'm not strong, or-- or smart or anything, but I do challenge things. When I want to, and when I think... it's actually worth challenging. In my way, not yours or anyone else's. And I didn't-- and I don't-- think that moment was worth challenging. I don't.
I think it was an act of love and salvation, the same way Bash killing me was.
no subject
[Why did they think that?]
[He tries to remember the exact words. But he was too emotional. He was telling Valdis to help him or never be near him again.]
[The intent. The words --]
[He was worried about himself being thrown away. If people could throw away Skulduggery, then...]
[Skulduggery whom everyone loves WAY more than Nobunaga, the bitey snarling idiotic Demon King... Who had all the Captain's flaws that no one even Skulduggery could stand sometimes...]
If I was casting you aside, I wouldn't deliver an ultimatum, I'd just do it. I don't think anyone who can stand to let the rules stand when it hurts them, when it means sacrificing their -- other people they care about, should be near me, because it's going to get them hurt so much worse than that time. I did think K- Chr-- You Americans would understand that better. I'm not sure the cultural miscommunication still.
[Skuldude is the cutest name for him, holy shit. Jeff is cute.]
[Ahhhh.]
[Nobunaga tilts his head head.]
So you think it is about magic, not guilt or pain?
[He can accept that. He doesn't like it, but Jeff is the only person -- no well, Chase too, but that really doesn't/shouldn't count!! -- to get through to Nobunaga about magic. Bash tried once, and Nobunaga couldn't stand it!]
The fuck you're not strong! [Nobuanga only BARELY has enough self control not to kick flick the table given that could actually hurt Jeff, and not in an easily recoverable way to prove that Jeff was plenty strong. So he kicks a couple of chairs halfway across Sand Dollars!]
[He draws his sword. He wonders if he could should try peacebonding it like Erin did hers once, but he still hasn't reached that level of reducing his paranoia and wariness. Even so he points it at Jeff in challenge.]
If you're not strong, then what the hell do you think that says about everyone like me?! [Ah yes. Okay, he gets it. Only Pollux, and Teyrey had told him he underestimated people, and he revealed... no. It's always the opposite. ALWAYS. And Yato knew that Nobunaga didn't consider him weak because... fucking obviously.]
If you're not smart, then why the hell do you know so much more about everything than I do?! You're not even Ieyasu's age! [Slams the katana back in the sheathe, and just glares and growls, still standing, arms crossed furiously.]
Challenge things your way! But in the future don't forget... THAT MEANS ME TOO! Correct me when I'm wrong! I've never given you reason to fear me! [Well, not directly, but he'd gone out of his way to give Jeff, Klaus, and Crichton reasons NOT to fear him. And Valdis... he just assumed didn't fear him, but maybe he was wrong.] So stand against me if your convictions are strong enough! And if they're not, then try to see things my way! If you don't know... Just ask!
[Gives Jeff a curt but fully functional bow of respect!]
no subject
Still, he does let out a startled yelp when the chairs go flying, clutching his mocha to his chest in case the table's about to get kicked next. Must protect the drink. ]
Okay-- okay! Fuck. You're right. But look, I wasn't... My head wasn't in the right place, you know? I don't think there was any way I could've explained... any of this to you during the trial. I don't even think I could've explained it to myself. It was just... a sort of understanding? [ Subconscious, or something, based on his own knowledge of magic, and his own experiences with... well. Shit from back home. Things became more clear in retrospect, once Bash was alive again and he could spare his energy for something beyond grief. ] But I should've given you more credit. I'm sorry for... for assuming the worst and getting mad at you.
[ He smiles and does his best to bow in return. Is it cool to bow back? Or is that, like, a breach of etiquette, Jeff doesn't know, but he means well. ]
no subject
[Nobunaga nods instantly!! That was the PROBLEM. Everyone kept yelling at him about communication this, and communication that, but how? It's not like he PLANNED to go gunblade and slice the armor without discussion, and he literally can't do it on his own. And certainly none of them expected the Captain to be an asshole to Yato, or Valdis to go rogue on Nobunaga, or --]
[So on.]
[Nobunaga was about to pick up a chair and set it backwards to sit in it, but then Jeff did the cutest fucking thing Nobunaga has ever seen, and bowed to him.]
[He's gotten a lot of bows his whole life, but this is his favorite. Specifically because Jeff doesn't know it, the culture behind it, is American, but holy fuck that's so cute!]
[On top of the words... Nobunaga's emotional haywire overloads, and he just glomps Jeff in a hug without warning!]
I wanted to take more time of that day to be by your side. [Finally pulls back from the hug and glances down at the floor!] I would have if I could. Everyone was in agony, and I just thought, I better compile everyone's investigations and bring them drinks, and then put the noncombatants in the kitchen. I had to hope that others could help you. And even if they did... you couldn't have known the steps I was taking to try to fix things, or my thinking, or any of it.
[Bow again? Hug??? Ahhhhh -- One-armed hug like he did to surprise Teyrey a few times! OKAY!]
There's never enough of me. I've always figured, as long as I can get back up, then it's fine, mistakes are fine, just keep pushing forward. K-- [NOPE.] I've been told to think about how my actions affect others. I do. I do. Always. It is the entire reason I take the actions I do. But Yato and I think actions speak for themselves. They can't always, especially when someone can misread and stop them. We have to work on building a better foundation for people to understand us, however. That is on us, not you, or anyone else hurt by our instincts.
Yare yare... this is what I meant too. I am still the same person who waged so much war. Just know, you can tell me when you think I'm wrong. And as long as we both come back to life, we'll always be able to fix it, no matter what. I'll always want to.
[Lets go of the one-armed hug but lightly tousles Jeff's hair!! Take that for making him feel things, you! Especially gooey weak things that go against his Demon King image! GRRRR!]
Trust is a hard word for me. I trusted my younger brother: Nobuyuki. But he was sending assassins to attack me at night, even while acting as my closest commander after our father died. After I defeated him, I let him live. I thought, now he knows he cannot defeat me, he'll stop. But we're both alike in this. The only way to stop me or him is to truly make it impossible with death. Or what Valdis did. [If he wasn't so fucked, he'd laugh but... eh.] I say this because... even so, despite my past, I choose to trust you. It is not like American trust: so open and freely given. It is the trust of someone who can number people with it on one hand, and has been deeply hurt by it in the past. [Scrunches through Jeff's hair! Man, what does Jeff use on his hair? He should talk about it with Klaus sometime.] So don't ever let it go to waste.
Do you know anything about drums? I don't know how busy I will be practicing gunblade forms with Yato, but I want to play. I have done all manner of Japanese drums, but they are much simpler. But I wish to... spend time with you practicing on this too.
no subject
It's okay, man. Really. Kl-- [ Mmm maybe not ] Um, people were with me. Like Cass, and Max, and SecUnit... They really did their best. [ He beams now, clearly touched by, like. Well. Everything. It really is such a relief to clear things up. ]
Me too. I-- Um. You're really important to me, you know? I never want to lose this friendship. [ You're not getting out of this without one more hug. That's what you get for playing with his hair: MORE HUGS. ] So you're stuck with me. That trust isn't gonna go to waste.
[ Then-- oh he's so excited, his entire face just lights up. ]
Oh! Dude! Ally, my, um-- [ Probably-ex-best friend who he hasn't seen since getting whisked away to Duplicity, who he'll never resolve things with, it's fine! ] My friend from back home, she was a drummer. We used to play together. [ Understatement. ] It's so cool that you-- I'll practice with you any time, man!
no subject
Okay okay... [Blushing, just tsun-glancing sideways!]
[And nods about the drummer.] Good. Then you won't be alone. And this way, even when it is for yourself that you practice, you don't get lonely. [He knows Jeff. No moping in the dark alone!] And we can be bandmates. Something impossible in my time. So extra special, don't forget it.