cacophonish | APOCALYPSE HOW: IC INBOX

[Oh. Well. That was easy enough. Stephen likes it when social expectancies like apologies are made easy.]

Let’s consider it this way: we’re even now. Water under the bridge.

And thanks for the sentiment, but no. My magic is frustratingly underpowered and underutilized right now. I regret wasting it just for the sake of annoying someone.

[ Luckily, Jeff is always pretty easy to appease, and getting him to hold a grudge is like hard mode: possible, sure, but pretty difficult. ]

so are you like

[ Wait for it. He's trying to figure out just how to word his question. ]

out of juice now? tapped out?

Juice levels at an all-time low. I felt like I had more potential when I was a student.

Tricky, isn’t it? Having to depend on some faceless, nameless patron to fuel my magic. Can’t say that I’m a fan.

yeah its weird

[ Tricky, yeah. That's the right word for it. What's tricky is how normal it feels sometimes. Natural and familiar. When he thinks about it, is it really all that different from his relationship with the Gift? It always felt kind of... alive, in its way. ]

do you ever wonder if the patrons are actually as bad as they say?

[ He's going out on a limb, even asking this question. But he has to know. He's so sick of trying to talk about this with normal people. When he talks about magic, they just don't get it. They can't get it. To them, it's just a tool he plays with, a fancy superpower.

One thing sticks out to him, though. The way Stephen describes the Entities. Faceless. Nameless. ]

i don't know if their so nameless
do you know which one's fueling you?

Edited 2021-10-10 18:24 (UTC)

Well, I’d call them less names and more *descriptors.* But what do I know?

[It’s a throwaway comment, as he better decides how to reply to the rest of it.]

But no, I don’t. Not exactly. Though there have been unusual inclinations that I could do without. A pull to make people understand what can only be described as

[The verge of which they balance on a bleak nothingness, the danger of one single choice spiraling out into the oblivion of all they hold dear. Disease that ravages skin and bone.]

a very specific kind of existential dread.

You don’t think they’re as bad as ADI makes them out to be?

[ By the sound of it, Stephen isn't tied to the same entity he is, though he doesn't know enough about the others to guess which one it could be.

Not the Cheshire Smile, that's all he knows. He isn't sure what else to say, if he should offer up any observation of his own, or... or just glide right past it. ]

i think of it like

like not good and not evil. just other. different

[ He's thinking about Ziggy, about how even if he tried to explain it to people, they'd just hear demon and conjure up images of old priests, young priests, and little girls with spinning heads. ]

just because people dont understand you it doesn't make you a monster

That’s true. It doesn’t.

[A statement which, if taken without the framework of outside context, is very true. Yet Stephen wonders if this is coming from somewhere else — where they stand on the “feeding your patron for magic battery juice” issue is skewed by their own experiences. He’s no different; he would bet good money that Jeff isn’t, either.]

But at the same time, I don’t think that’s what all the warnings are for. These entities might be beyond the whole of our human understanding, but that’s the problem. The individuals who try to wield what they don’t understand, what might hurt themselves and others around them, in our very material and immediate world.

In regards to that, I don’t think ADI is exaggerating their various precautionary tales.

Edited (omg I’m so sorry for your inbox) 2021-10-10 21:23 (UTC)

[ Malcolm's said something similar, but it lands a little harder, coming from somebody like... well, like him. It takes him a few minutes to respond, because he's not sure what to say-- or, rather, how to word just what's on his mind. ]

is magic a tool in your world? or is it something more. because magics a part of me. i don't know how to be anything else

[ Even if it means embracing some kind of thing that he doesn't fully understand. At least it's the closest he can get to the Gift. ]

i havent heard any of their precautionary tales

[That’s a question that is both simple and very, very layered to Stephen.]

I’ve lived the majority of my life without magic; I’d be lying if I said this is completely foreign to me. And some might view magic only as a tool or a means to an end in my universe, but ever since I became a sorcerer, it’s something more. Not wielding it here is like having the spirit ripped out of me. A piece of identity gone missing.

[When he could no longer be a surgeon, he could be a sorcerer. One purpose to another. Now that’s severed itself, too, leaving him feeling hollow and more useless.]

It feels like ADI is asking you not to be yourself, right?

[They can get to the horror stories of those who lost themselves to their patron later.]

[ Finally, finally somebody gets it. Every time he tries to articulate it to regular, run-of-the-mill humans, he always feels like they must think he's just some stupid, selfish brat, whining about the toys he doesn't want to put away. ]

yeah. that's exactly how it feels

[ It feels like such a relief to say that and know it won't be brushed off as him just being a melodramatic kid. ]

and its like they think its as easy as Just Say No. "just say no to being yourself!" why should we trust anyone who says that?

I think they’re low on options. Lehrer told me of sorcerers and magic-users who had good intentions when they arrived, only to have them warped with time. Setting fire to the city, causing natural disasters, trapping innocents in sewers and feeding off of their fear. Things that you and I probably don’t want on our resumes of Not-So-Good-Deeds.

[Which leaves them in, once again, a very tricky situation.]

I’ll be honest with you, I’m split. At home, my magic inherently uses the power of various planes and dimensions of the multiverse, so relying on an outside source for energy isn’t a new concept. But I’ve also seen what happens when sorcerers choose to align themselves with a very questionable choice of entity to bolster their strength; bad things. End of the world things. Not unlike what ADI is touting here.

[So, he doesn’t think that ADI is lying. He doesn’t think that makes them worthy of full trust, either, but Stephen sees no reason why they would stretch the narrative so far, not yet.]

So the opinion of another magic wielder is welcome. Knowing the risk, would you still choose to harness energy for your magic in this world?

[ His stomach drops, reading that, and his mind's already racing to come up with some kind of logic why none of that should concern him.

Maybe Lehrer lied. Maybe it's all twisted and exaggerated to prop up some anti-magic agenda. Or maybe... maybe all that did happen, just the way Strange is telling him now, but it's not like Jeff could do any of that.

Even if he wanted to go on a rampage, what's the worst he could do? ]

magic always has risks

[ Which is as good as saying yes. Yes, he would choose magic, even with the risks. ]

its not that different where i'm from. when you commune with the Gift theres always a risk that sometimes

[ He hesitates, almost deletes his own message, before continuing. ]

sometimes something else is gonna notice you instead. it was still worth the risk back home

[ And it's worth it now. But man, he realizes how he must sound. ]

its not about power. i dont care about being a super powerful wizard or anything

I agree with you. Magic does have its risks. And while I don’t think any of us here are in it for the power, I wonder how many affected magic users were once of the same mind.

[That said.]

I’m not here to lecture. I think I’m willing to take that risk, too. But the difference between recklessness and making an informed, wise choice is information.

I think it’s worth talking to Lehrer further, or ADI in general, about those who came before us and lost their way. Research what happened to them, so we don’t do the same. And judge how *you* want to move forward based on that.

[ Strange is right. Information, that's what they need, not abstinence. ]

ive never been great at research. but if youve got their names i can try to help look into what happened

what's lehrer like?

[It’s a step towards the right path — the question is what that right path is, which will only be revealed through information and research. Stephen would rather not risk trial and error, since their margin for error is slim at best.]

A young man named Alan who manipulated fire and torched the apartments. A woman named Alina who commanded the weather, who summoned tornados and caused power outages. And Deepthi, an architect who manipulates the earth and other objects associated with construction. Apparently, she’s still around. She closed off sections of sewer pipes with people in them, and left them to die.

[So you know. An excellent crowd, one that they totally would like to be associated with someday, right? Absolutely not.]

As for Lehrer herself, she’s what you’d expect from upper-tier administration. No nonsense, rules are rules. But she doesn’t sound unreasonable, and she was willing to listen to me, knowing that I couldn’t have been happy with the magic situation in this world.

If you want to talk to her sometime, just to get another perspective on all of this, I don’t think it’d be a bad idea. Just don’t go in expecting more leeway than what she’s already shown.

[ It's fucked up, but he takes some comfort in what he's just learned. Even if he lost all control and went dark side, he wouldn't be able to cause damage at that scale. It's not that bad. He's not that bad. He couldn't be that bad even if he wanted.

....that's probably the wrong message to take from this. Especially when he considers what Deepthi apparently did to her victims. What a horrible fucking way to die. ]

so she skipped town and the other 2 are dead?

i dont know if talking to her will be

you know

"productive"

she probably responds better to someone like you then to someone like me

[ Strange, at least, can command some sense of authority. Jeff's just a fuckup bard no one takes seriously. ]

Yes. ADI took care of the other two.

[Which also does not bode well for how they may or may not be treated if they find themselves too far in the deep end. Though the latitudes they should be given once they’ve crossed that line, if any at all, is another conversation altogether.]

And why do you think that?

[ Oh. Yikes. ]

shit

[ Maybe that's just what he needed to learn to start taking this just a little more seriously-- or, at least, to tread a little more carefully where the ADI's concerned. ]

well i mean your a doctor. im just a dropout who plays guitar on street corners :)

[ Which, hey, he's not ashamed of. But he knows he's not exactly the kind of person who presents himself as any kind of... peer? To someone in authority. ]

[That’s about the right sentiment, yeah.]

I don’t think that matters. I could have been the President of the United States, or some random guy off the street, and it wouldn’t have changed anything. We’re all strangers to her. But there’s value in Lehrer understanding where we stand on the issue, and why. I’m not going to pretend to speak for all of us.

she's never gonna understand us. they never do

[Someone’s already made his mind up on the matter. That might be a problem.]

Don’t you at least want to say that you tried?

[ It's true, he's got something of an attitude where nonmagical people are concerned. Sure, he likes them well enough, but he doesn't see how they can ever truly understand what it's like to be connected to something like the Gift. His few attempts at reaching that understanding haven't left him feeling much hope on the matter.

But. But-- ]

yeah. i guess i do. i just dont see it going any other way then her telling me to just quit being what i am

i mean smarter people than me have tried. right?

Edited 2021-10-29 19:25 (UTC)

[Worth the try, he thinks. Lehrer wasn’t unreasonable or unsympathietic, she was only certain that magic didn’t lead to anything good — he thinks it might be beneficial to see that sympathy first-hand.]

Everyone’s experience is different. I’m sure you as an individual could have something to add to the conversation that no one else can.

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